So I went home to visit my Mom today, I didn’t get to spend a lot of time with her during Thanksgiving . Anyway, so she gets home from work and I’m helping her pack up some holiday presents for friends. We’re having some casual conversation and she mentions that she almost killed my Father in JCPenney when I was a kid. So of course I’m like, “UM WHAT!?” She she proceeds to tell me the following story.

Basically, it’s a saturday afternoon family outing to JCPenney and I’m about 3 years old. My mother stepped away from the rest of us to talk to some customer service rep so it’s just me and my dad standing there. Apparently I walked away from my Father, I guess he thought I was going towards my Mom.  About a minute later my Mom turns around and goes “Steven, where is Austin?”, Father says, “I thought he was you?”.

Next thing you know it’s fucking code blue, red team go, class 5 , shit show lock down in JC-FUCKING-PENNEY. My Mom has the whole store lock down all of the exits to the store and has every employee running around looking for me. Some people my Mom knew just so happened to also be shopping in the store, guess what? Fuck whatever plans they had, they’re looking for my ass too. 

So at this point my mom has lost it, I definitely know that my Father got the super blunt of it and she probably thought about impaling him with a clothing rack or mannequin.  So about 30 minutes after all this shit starts, I come crawling out from underneath a clothes rack like nothing ever happened. Turns out I just wandered underneath there for no reason and was chilling. Just being a weird kid in a store. 

Moral of the story? Never count on my Mom to stay calm in an emergency.